Not Yet

Not Yet

I spent Friday night in bed. Crying. I just let all of the tears flow after holding them in for weeks – months actually. I have been strong through a long period of waiting and working, and this week I was able to release some of the emotion. If you know anyone with children in a blended family, or going through custody or divorce challenges, you know the strain and drain and the tolls they can take. I have felt somewhat helpless in my own situations for many months, but there have also been seasons of growth for me.

Today I spent a few hours alone on the river.  I was alone with some Dawes, The Head and the Heart, and Ray Lamontagne, a few drinks, and my boat and paddle.

photo of the river

It was so very good for my mind and heart to be out there.  I said hi to some deer running along the river’s edge, followed a few Anhinga darters as they played along the rocks beside me, and sat back staring at the clear blue sky.

Answers

I may not have the answers yet that I seek for my circumstances. But as I stared up on the river today, I had a pretty solid thought.  What if the main reason I am not seeing the changes I want to see with these seemingly uncontrollable situations is simply that I am not ready to receive them?

If that may be the case, what could make me ready?

What needs to open?  What needs to close?

What could I be holding on to that I must release?

What needs to change?

Maybe I am just not ready to receive the changes that I really want in my life. Whatever that looks like, I have decided to get ready. More ready. Ready-er. Readily ready.

A Few Snapshots

As I was paddling and taking in the beauty around me today, I was in total peace.  And a song came on that I had not heard in a very long time. It was timed perfectly.  If I could play this song in a gift, wrapped nicely to send to my ex-husband and his wife, I would. It is everything I feel right now.

Crack the Case – Dawes

I will do your interview
Try to explain what I’m going through
Give you something to read into
In a million different ways
A sick version of telephone starts at the clip of the microphone
A game we thought we had all outgrown, but still everybody plays
Ignoring all of the remedies, believing all of the rumors
With their endless database
I wanna sit with my enemies and say
We should have done this sooner
While I look them in the face
Maybe that would crack the case
I got a friend who’s been thinking
About finally kicking her husband out
His second life as a talent scout, finally got him caught
While she was throwing out all his clothes
She heard a voice from beyond the throes
Punish him for the life he chose
But forgive the past that he did not!
It’s really hard to hate anyone
When you know what they’ve lived through
And once they’ve given you a taste
She said
This is for you to overcome
But I will always love you
In her perfect state of grace
Maybe that would crack the case
Now that we’re through with formalities
What is it you wanna ask of me?
I’ll answer open and honestly
Whatever that means
Findin’ out that we occupy
Somebody else’s opposin’ side
On the banks of some great divide
Two versions of a dream
Countless revisions of history
Tryin’ to tell us the future
Between each commercial break
I wanna call off the cavalry
Declare no winners or losers
And forgive our shared mistakes
You can pick the time and place
Maybe that would crack the case

Space

I hope that despite whatever untied strings you have in your life, you have the peace and the space to ask the questions you need to move forward.  That’s what this day on the river gave to me to share.

photo of river rocks

 

 

kristi

Hi. I'm a wife, mom, webmaster, and business owner living on the North and South Carolina border. I like coffee, Clemson football, and nature. I write about southern living, technology, adoption, meditation, and the human condition.

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